another crazy dream.

some sort of tourist destination. a low-down cliff walk: a concrete path winding around slowly down through some bush. an atmosphere like we holiday-makers are part of the nation that gained at others' expense: edgy, lucky, implicated. to the left, the building, also concrete. inside, the pig man. he is an example of the successfully genetically engineered crossbreeding of a man with a pig. he is going berserk. they keep him/it locked in that three sided concrete box with the walls painted a bright dark pink and inside he is going brutally berserk, and we stand at the rail and look in through the glass side.

but back near our accommodation, we were in what was either a clearing or a carpark, and we saw a tiny willow-the-wisp drifting along quite low down, or, better, hovering gently up and down in the air, low down, and julie said "that isn't a willow-the-wisp" it was one of those deadly insects that looks like one and it was dangerous to leave it floating there, she said, because some child might think it was pretty and touch it and that would kill them. so she said she had to get it out of the way - it seemed to feel us there and wait for us, floating in air gently up and down, crystalline delicate - she got a tissue out and tried to get it in the tissue and it hovered and as I saw her trying to get it I thought *she could be more careful* she didn't have the tissue over all her fingers and as she was trying to close the tissue around it i knew it would happen and then it touched her finger and i thought she would be dead. because what happens is, it corrodes all your blood. but because she only brushed it for a second she would probably live but they might have to make some amputations fast, we had to call the hospital - but we were around her in a circle in panic and i was thinking how lucky it was because if she had closed her hand around it she would have been dead she was only trying to help the other people, and now it had got her arm, her blood, corrosive - hurry, hurry! how stupid, how stupid, if only i'd...

though it's not that windy, this older woman's voice in my head:

the days seem far too long, and it's so windy I could scream.

Anyway, to note: I AM UNSTABLE. indeed, i'm losing it. I had to leave class today. The reasnos are too big, worldly, and personal too. I feel like i need help but that's also like saying there isn't a reason for this.

Why is all as it is?
There are things in the back of my exercise book - i'm using one from an old year with a torn off cover - that i mena to put online but i can't be bothered now.

every so often, i arrest myself on suspicion of fraud.

idea to write:

The Christmas Cards London/Sydney. Each breath condense on the window pane. It's cold, for Sydney - for Summer. "Which one?" "The round-shouldered one."/"The one with the strange starry eyes." She looks like she's blind. How are you. Every line of text says: I don't know you anymore. And I write back and every line says: Why do we keep this up? [Each perspective.]

"We mass together distant scenes and events in an unreal way"

[GE, Letter to David Kaufmann, 12 October 1877 in Haight vi 404]

Last night: stomach cancer dream. Friend and I making records of ourselves posed nude. 2 Friends advice - don't go out showing your legs like that (elephantine). We bigger lesbians never have the chance to be with skinny blonde girls - like you - "but i love bigger women." Mother's constant assurance that the prelim diagnosis will have been wrong, or it will be operable. Sister with a plastic bag of groceries - breakfast items - I am emotionally incapable of eating. Cancer cancer I'm thinking, I'll die. I climb the rickety garret, my family following behind, and in the dark wood belfy, broken by daylight, i hear the doctor telling my aunt it is malignant and very advanced: "oh my god" and "i'm so sorry." voices: the one apalled, the other calm. calming.
and my reaction? uncontrolled. i show no courage whatsoever. i think of the photos and my youth. i lose it completely.

the worst thing was, it was such a beautiful day.