at school we used to have something called a 'cake stall.'

in primary school there were 'fetes.' mexican/spanish theme to one. student waitressing. kit's black tea.

in centennial park we used to ride our trike/scooter around the children's bike ring. it felt like a lot of traffic & many different speeds & different ages children were around me. but yesterday when we drove by there was only one kid going round & round alone in the drizzle, the humidity.

she wished she could click on the minimise button in his face and shrink him down & move him across to the bottom lefthand corner of her life where she wouldn't have to look at him & always be thinking come here come here i love you.

also:
dinner at cl's (back from vietnam, lost her father) great night - spent time at the piano (what? in public, me? never!) and what delicious berries tessa brought. the night felt steamy. i wanted.
helped edit essay.
also huw's 21st lunch yesterday. interminable. the dog had bad skin and growths. nothing seemed well cared for. i played the piano there too. fats waller - smelly old piano stool books. there were 2 accordions. no one could play.
and vanessa's - a dinner evening family thing last week. the pool. goosebumps. the "big" sister. time.
time, time, time. i've been too busy. i can't think but i do. i can't think but i do think. i love you. time, time.
coogee with my mother, too. coogee, coogee. the water's warm.
& audley with merle. it doesn't matter how the weather is there. birds, many species all in a view.
close your eyes. don't forget sometimes to do that. and look right above your head. look right up at the sky. three dimensionality. there are three dimensions. wait - more. but forget the fourth. time, time.

after new zealand (mating dolphins, meeting people on the milford boat, the hedgehogs, the dry wine country)
opera house: the cherry orchard.
film: good night and good luck, broken flowers (so, so slow)
music: antony & the johnsons (at the state theatre - my first time beyond the foyer there) & andy irvine in tempe, what a great concert, 3 sets and went late, even threw in 1000s are sailing, i never thought i'd hear that live, can't believe i wasn't in tears.
i've been at work much. many days that seem full and my life still inspired but it's hard. i don't want to have to feel like i'm putting my nose to the mill to get things done. i want it to be loose and free and fun.
imagine if someone looked at you and smiled and summed you up kindly - "she's a lose woman."
or, "she's a star."

no one

on the bus there were people reading papers. taking mobile phone photos of each other. no one was looking out the window.

that was yesterday.

today i was in the house, the kitchen. the paper before me. the remains of brakfast. it's funny how we only feel haunted when we're alone. we don't realise that the times we're haunted are the times when we're in company. we're haunted by the other people in our lives. they're what really haunts us.

i turned to page three and had that feeling like i was the last man on earth alive.

i went to the window. outside, there was no one. no sign of life across the street. the haunting empty feeling on my back grew stronger. i opened the window and stuck out my head and looked up and down the street. it was still - if there was a breeze, i couldn't feel it. there was noone, not to the left or to the right. an empty street. no sounds that suggested a living thing doing the business of living out of sight in a hidden backyard. zero. my loneliness had opacity: i couldn't see through or beyond it. that was a lonely moment. i couldn't climb out of it. i was alone. i haunted my own house. there was no one besides me. not even a dog barking.

i got my wallet and my denim jacket and i went out onto the street. i started walking. i didn't know which way to start at first, then i started for the main street. i couldn't hear the traffic. i was heading for the bus stop. there's a bus stop, i thought, up on the main road. but i was having haunting thoughts. i imagined that when i got to the bus stop there'd be no one else waiting. sure enough, when i got to the main road, i didn't see any traffic. i didn't see anyone. it was sunday, so the shops were shut. but the bus was due soon. i sat down. the bench was warm. i still couldn't feel a breeze. i waited. the haunting thoughts went on. i imagined that when the bus came there'd be no one inside, no one driving - but i was wrong. the bus never came.