and why do you suppose they fashioned the ribs to look like a cage?
why, for the same reason they made the heart into a noose
from which to dangle and despair
as if we were all birds trying to swim through thick dark water
haunted air.

starless water, starlessness
out on the water
arms of the compass
draws the ring around me
no journey, just a pen.
dit dit dit. dit dit.

the second hand chased time around the face of the clock then stopped - but time kept moving.

i looked into the mirror today
and saw a storm - im bad at this
im tired of this, my nihilist
my wired knife-edge shitty hiss
the tinnitus
the apparatus criticus, and all
the annotations of this thought, and down
the hall of repurcussions rolling like an echo
like a toll, they sound the gongs
and noone can predict the end
it might rip up, the face could shred
the surface split, the end of it
the car-crushed ribs, the hopeless chance
on which depends the best of it.
and who pretends to understand
what they've done, and where they've gone
a laugh in the hand, a droning band
a smiling prophecy of fate
and the long wait
the so-long wait, long suicide, and no belief
while planes lift off, and hit the sky
the elevation of the few,
the rest of us here, and nothing to it,
nothing else to do.

guess what
i am a frail and gilded cage
fine wires bent and beaten into
roughened lovely shape.
the door's unhinged, but hangs
clasped closed, locked on the song
because my love's a sitting bird
who'll never get away.
and all my thoughts willl strain away
you're here today, you're here today
reason reduced to residue
whenever i get a glimpse of you
and all the time we'll spend apart
bend the key, bolt the heart
life is wired, life is barbed
hope turns cold and dreams dry hard
but for a moment, in your eyes
a frozen omen, wonder why
happiness, irrational
happiness, irrational
and i'd be sad to let this go
take the ticket, stay for the show
shake the bars and turn to snow
and it's so slow, and it's so slow
but go - ill get there in the end
of course, ill follow you instead.

cheap, cheap.

i am cheap.

can't believe i'm quoting that horrid woman.

Love hangs herself, with the bedsheets in her cell. Threw myself on fires for you. 10 good reasons to stay alive. 10 good reasons that I can't find. Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful. So sick in his body, so sick in his soul. Oh, give me a reason. Oh, and everything I am. Love hates you. I live my life in ruins for you. And for all your secrets kept, I squashed the blossom, and the blossom's dead. Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful. So sick in his body, so sick in his soul. Oh, and I will make myself so beautiful. Oh, and everything I am. Miles and miles of perfect skin. I swear I do - I fit right in. My love burns through everything. I cannot breathe. Miles and miles of perfect sin. I swear, I said - I fit right in. I fit right in your perfect skin. I cannot breathe. Hey baby, take it all the way down. ...We'll never know. ...Oh, and everything I am will be bought and sold. Oh, and everything I am will turn hard and cold. And they say in the end, you'll get bitter - just like them. And they steal your heart away. ...Named a star for your eyes. Did you freeze? Did you weep? Turn to gold? Baby - sleep. ...I was there all the time. And I weep at your feet. And it rains and rains......

"So go on... how's love treating you?"
"Oh -uh. Yeah, not, really. I - had a boyfriend earlier semester but it was... well everytime I saw him there was less and less... it was all right at first... It was quite hideous really, anyway, what about you. Are you still going out with-"
"No - no, long gone. Long gone." Pause.
"Oh, OK." Trying desperately not to be so drunk, and drunk-sounding, "But, so, she was nice, though?" Oh fuck.
"Naah, nah. No not really."
"You haven't met anyone---"
"No. No."
Mocking, "Just keeping it casual then huh?"
Shake of head, "No, I don't even do that anymore."
"Oh, well.. there you go.." The kiss.
Too hard to stand up let alone interact.
I never sound so stupid in my life as at these times.