the clock upbraids me with a waste of time.

yesterday i thought to myself, sometimes when im out, i feel like i must get home away from ppl before i turn into a pumpkin. i didnt feel this last night, i just thought of it.

half my life, maybe more, i have felt i have something to hide without knowing what it is.

the unplumbed depths, the depths can never be plumbed, nothing ever touches below the surface, how i long to cave out from within be completely hollowed and the empty outsides bust bursting with a bang oh to dissapear outwards with a boombangboom and then be gone...

useless thin wires of desire without a frame to climb. frustrating infuriating frustration.

hmm, didn't realise i felt quite that strongly. hopefully i don't and it just came out that way.

anyway moments onscreen are so unbearably intangible - they make me want to thrash and yell sometimes for the sake making the inherent absence of these things into a manifest presence... such an obsessed and addicted personality, and the object so unbearably intangible....

if you had it in your hands you could tear it to pieces, you want to eat it, it is like you should be able to consume and exhaust it until there is none left.

it is unbearable to be passive, observing and external. one is supposed, at some point, to live but it is all getting very "meta" to me, my life lived on levels one of those plastic puzzles where the ball never drops through the tiers.

to be so so so so so so infuriatingly in love with the love of others... godgodgodammnit fuck.

I am punching the intolerable stars. My heart is full of sand it funnels down through the ventricles like hourglass dust.

I don't actually feel that way, I just had to say that for the hell of it. Great diary, huh? Basically I haven't been saying much on here because I've been busy and happy - seeing people and writing fiction. It has left little room. I'd like to have all the happiness of friends excursions and new zealand and travel hunter valley galleries etc on here for myself to review and sigh but life isn't long enough to be recorded and read over again. Anyway it's all been jampacked. Heading into honours this year. Just vaguely starting to think about it.

Absolutely headlong into new 18th C naval obsession, now that too is time consuming.

Moved to passionate tears on the way to the supermarket thanks to death scene in Dec last year, for example.

I'm an atheist who has been raging against the dying of the light from square one.

In love with my own giants.

Am at work. Good afternoon.